H for ‘holding on’

Today I have realised once again that the reason I am not losing weight any more is because I am still holding on to the extra weight, to the extra fat. Somewhere in my brain, some cells work very hard at making other cells believe that somehow, the extra fat protects me from something. Intellectually, I know that it’s nonsense, I know that fat doesn’t protect me from anything, but my unconscious has other views on the matter. My ex-unconscious, actually – the one that I used to have when I was younger, the one that genuinely thought that by eating and putting on weight, my life would miraculously be better and I would be protected from evil.

I am now 30. It is time to get rid of this ‘ex-unconscious’. It shouldn’t still be alive in a part of my brain. It should be dead and gone. At 30, one should not believe that fat has a role any more, other than filling up the space between one’s bones and one’s clothes (with a bit of skin in between, of course).

Come on, get rid of it! Throw it away! Part with it. Put it on a boat and let the boat drift away on the Thames. Say goodbye to it. It doesn’t serve any/its purpose any more. You are a grown-up woman. Don’t be scared.

These are all things I used to tell myself but somehow, along the way, forgot to repeat to myself and so slowly slowly, my old demons have come back and it feels like my fat belongs to me again and I cannot part with it. I would feel bare, naked without it. I would feel transparent. I would feel vulnerable. I wouldn’t feel like myself any more. Again, intellectually, I know it’s all nonsense – fat doesn’t do any of that, it can’t do any of that. But the symbolism was so strong when I was younger, that it can still be strong even though I am now an adult and know better.

‘Holding on’ should be banned from our vocabulary now. We don’t want to hold on. We don’t want to hold on to our fat. It is the thing we most despise in us, it is the thing we so desperately want to get rid of. But if we are to manage without it, we need to recognise its power over us, to acknowledge that it has been useful in the past. We need to love it, in a way, before we can say goodbye. Love it to leave it. That’s my new mantra.

Today, I’m saying goodbye. I don’t need it any more. ‘Fat, you can go now. You don’t help me any more. Without you, I will feel naked, vulnerable, different, but you still need to go, to leave me alone, to leave me to my own devices. I’ll find a way to cope without you and without food.’

I have often found it very useful and enlightening to talk to my body or my fat in this way. In Beyond Chocolate the authors (Sophie and Audrey Boss) recommend writing a letter to your body with your dominant hand and then write another letter, this time from your body to you, with your non-dominant hand. I have done it, and I have been amazed at all the stuff my body had to tell me.

Why don’t you try, and then tell me in my comment box what you found out?