I’m not sure why there are so many ups and downs at the moment, but hey ho, I have to ride along and see where it takes me. For the past few days, I have been losing faith in IE and have been wanting to lose weight more than anything.
Why? Because until the age of 18, I was slim – 56kg for 5 ft 4/1m64. Not thin; just normal, nice, slim. Then it all went wrong and I haven't stopped putting on weight since.
Why? Because I hurt my knee a few weeks ago and I’m sure it would heal a lot more quickly if I weighed less.
Why? Because soon my husband and I would quite like to have a baby and if I put even more weight on, it will not be good, either for me or for the baby.
Why? Because I want to be pretty, slim and energetic for my husband, but of course also and primarily for myself.
Why? Because I’ve had enough of not treating myself well enough.
I’ve been doing a lot better in the past couple of years, I have moved on in many areas of my life and I understand things much better. Yet, still, my weight is there, witness to all my other, deeper problems, testimony to the silt that has been moved about and scrutinised, at the expense of weight loss.
The other day, I was going through my photo albums and saw myself at 18, 19, even 25 – I was slimmer. At the time, I thought I was big and ugly and my sole preoccupation was my weight and losing the fat. Yet, I was already quite slim! Even when I put on 6kg, I was still slim!
Now here’s the problem. Time. Things are better, but they take sooooo long!!! What do I need to do to make things go faster? I’m losing patience, which makes me lose faith in the whole system. I know that I'm meant to be slim, that I can go back to being slim. The question is: how exactly? I just want to diet to get that body back. But deep down, I know that this will only lead to more weight gain – won't it?
So I'm sticking to IE, no matter how slow the weight loss, no matter how slow the progress. At least it's (more or less?) certain, more or less for ever – isn't it?
2 comments:
I think it is fairly certain that through IE, no matter how long it might take, you will find your 'natural' weight. I suspect that mine is probably heavier than I might like, but it's a damn sight lighter than I used to be!
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It sounds like you have already lost a lot of weight (I've been reading your blog fairly regularly). How much have you lost now and how long has it taken you? Are you still losing weight?
At the moment, that's all I can think about. This normally means that something else is actually happening inside me (a worry, a certain amount of anxiety etc.). But this time, it really is only about my weight and how I want to lose at least 10 pounds, for health reasons (not for my appearance, not for other people - no no, just for myself, just for my health). I realise that it doesn't really help, that I shouldn't think like that, that it's the only and the surest way to stop/slow down the process, but at the same time, it is my health/knees/potential baby we're talking about. So what's one to do?
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