I feel quite bad. I feel like I have let other women down. Not that many people have been reading my blog, but still, quite a few seem to have done so in the past, and still do these days. But in October, I stopped blogging. It was for a very good reason: I felt healed. I felt whole. I felt that I didn't want to write about it, didn't want to focus on it, because there was no need any more. Total recovery was on my doorstep, it was time to let it happen. I had doubts at first, of course, but as always, I listened to my instinct and my body. It's now been six months and I can truly say that I am a recovered foodaholic.
Yes, I think that unlike alcoholics, who can only ever say that they are recovering alcoholics, I believe that once you are an intuitive eater, you are so for good. You may still have moments of doubts as to your ability, you may still want to binge a little occasionally, but it's so rare, and it's so 'without horrible consequences', that I think it's possible to be recovered for good. At the moment - and for the past few months - I feel recovered. I am free from all thoughts about food, weight, chocolate, addiction, whatever. I am free. And so I haven't had the desire to write about any of it in here. When you are truly free, you don't need to dwell on anything linked to your previous prison. You want to move on and never look back.
Hence my silence.
My hope is that I will never write another post in here. But at the same time, I would like to help other women achieve what I've achieved. So you never know. I might write again, just to give some more tips.
Perhaps just this message of hope will help you. All I can say is that if I could do it, so can ANYBODY else. I was so deep in these food problems that I really thought I would never get out of them. But I have. Out of sheer perseverance, and trusting my body. You MUST know this:
THERE IS NOT OTHER WAY TO DO IT.
You have to go through all the stages, one by one. Overeat to your heart's content, listening to your body, then little by little you WILL eat less, I promise, and THEN will come the weight loss and the carelessness about food and weight. As long as you make weight loss your priority, you will not achieve anything, not even the weight loss itself. It's cruel, but that is how it works. You have to keep at it, keep going, trust the 'rules' of intuitive eating, trust your body and instinct, and keep trying. It is the only way.
I wish you all well. May you all succceed in your endeavours to become intuitive eaters.
Not Hungry But...
Monday, 21 April 2008
Monday, 8 October 2007
Tip of the day
I've noticed lately that a lot of the time, I'm absolutely starving but then I find that I actually don't need to eat much to satisfy my hunger. However, I often find myself still eating beyond satiety, because I think 'Well, if I was that hungry, surely I need a lot of food to quieten my hunger'. After many meals when that happened recently, I realised it wasn't true.
So while that kind of hunger used to scare me a little, feeling like I could eat the whole world, now if I feel very hungry before eating, I always remind myself 'Remember, it's not because you're very hungry that you need lots of food. It just means that you're hungry.'
It reassures me a lot and then I end up eating less.
So while that kind of hunger used to scare me a little, feeling like I could eat the whole world, now if I feel very hungry before eating, I always remind myself 'Remember, it's not because you're very hungry that you need lots of food. It just means that you're hungry.'
It reassures me a lot and then I end up eating less.
Monday, 17 September 2007
W for ‘waste’
I still have trouble with waste and what it all means and entails. However, I’m doing better, and I want to tell you a little story about waste.
Last year, my husband and I stayed in a very nice hotel in an Asian country that served a four-course meal every single night. We were there for four nights, so that was a lot of food I was going to be presented with! I was already doing quite well IE-wise, and in the past 2 weeks or so had got used to eating just what I needed and wanted, telling myself every morning that ‘Today, I will not overeat’. Of course, it was going to be a bit more difficult in that hotel, because the food looked delicious, on the menu and on people’s plates. Still, that first evening, I tried very hard to listen to my body and to eat little. But it meant leaving a lot of food on my plate for each course. Because we knew that quite a lot of food would be served but we wanted to sample it all, my husband and I had indeed decided to each eat just half of whatever would be on our plates (or less if we were not that hungry).
I told my husband how guilty I felt leaving half of my food, for it to just be thrown away in the bin, when we were in such a poor country and thousands of people were starving just a few miles away. Every course was in fact light and quite small, but it soon filled me up, so I stuck to ‘our rule’. Still, I felt very guilty.
Until my husband said: ‘Just by being here, you’re helping so many people – those who picked the fruit and veg, those who farmed the animals, those who cut the meat, those who fished, those who cook everything here, those who serve, those who manage the hotel. You’ve done your bit just by being here. The food is not wasted – you’ve helped so many people!’
That’s when I realised that, once again, just being was enough... It was a true revelation to me. I had NEVER thought of it this way before.
This was a turning point. The evenings after that, I felt less guilty, and by the last day, I thought to myself, when I left half of my dessert, ‘I don’t owe them anything’, ‘them’ being the hotel, the staff, the restaurant. It sounds harsh and rude, but it helped me overcome my sadness at leaving so much food on my plate.
As for the food itself, remember that even when you eat it it’s wasted – it’s turned into waste and it goes down the toilet, for the most part. Whatever you do, it’s wasted. Or ‘waisted’ (to pinch Evelyn Tribole’s pun) if you eat it all when you’re not hungry...
Last year, my husband and I stayed in a very nice hotel in an Asian country that served a four-course meal every single night. We were there for four nights, so that was a lot of food I was going to be presented with! I was already doing quite well IE-wise, and in the past 2 weeks or so had got used to eating just what I needed and wanted, telling myself every morning that ‘Today, I will not overeat’. Of course, it was going to be a bit more difficult in that hotel, because the food looked delicious, on the menu and on people’s plates. Still, that first evening, I tried very hard to listen to my body and to eat little. But it meant leaving a lot of food on my plate for each course. Because we knew that quite a lot of food would be served but we wanted to sample it all, my husband and I had indeed decided to each eat just half of whatever would be on our plates (or less if we were not that hungry).
I told my husband how guilty I felt leaving half of my food, for it to just be thrown away in the bin, when we were in such a poor country and thousands of people were starving just a few miles away. Every course was in fact light and quite small, but it soon filled me up, so I stuck to ‘our rule’. Still, I felt very guilty.
Until my husband said: ‘Just by being here, you’re helping so many people – those who picked the fruit and veg, those who farmed the animals, those who cut the meat, those who fished, those who cook everything here, those who serve, those who manage the hotel. You’ve done your bit just by being here. The food is not wasted – you’ve helped so many people!’
That’s when I realised that, once again, just being was enough... It was a true revelation to me. I had NEVER thought of it this way before.
This was a turning point. The evenings after that, I felt less guilty, and by the last day, I thought to myself, when I left half of my dessert, ‘I don’t owe them anything’, ‘them’ being the hotel, the staff, the restaurant. It sounds harsh and rude, but it helped me overcome my sadness at leaving so much food on my plate.
As for the food itself, remember that even when you eat it it’s wasted – it’s turned into waste and it goes down the toilet, for the most part. Whatever you do, it’s wasted. Or ‘waisted’ (to pinch Evelyn Tribole’s pun) if you eat it all when you’re not hungry...
S for 'symptoms of hunger'
Just a short entry today. I wrote about this a few weeks ago on a post-it note and I think it might be useful for those who are starting out on the IE path.
When I first learned about IE, I didn't know I could have this huge range of hunger sensations in me. Simply because I had never let myself be truly hungry. Now that I do, here are a few types of hunger that might assail me when I need to refuel my body:
- a big hole in my stomach
- distinct stomach growling
- trembling/shaking hands and arms, wobbly legs
- feeling faint
- headache
- irritability
The interesting thing I've noticed is that it varies from day to day, and even from hunger experience to hunger experience. It is practically never the same hunger that I feel on a daily basis! This is completely new for me, and it does feel good to know that my body lets me know in no uncertain terms that it needs food! The types of hunger that I've listed are rarely combined together. It's usually just one of these symptoms at a time.
My favourite hunger sensation? Feeling great (no headache, no irritability, no shaking) but with a GROWLING stomach! The one I hate the most: shaking hands and arms/wobbly legs, because in those cases I really have to eat asap. With a growling stomach, there is no sense of urgency, I just know I'm hungry, and as long as I get food within the hour, I'm fine. But with shaking or feeling faint, then food is needed urgently, otherwise I can't carry on functioning!
What are your favourite symptoms of hunger? Learn to love and cherish your hunger signals. Learn to not be scared of them any more.
PS: Here’s a little story of what happened to me last week (making this entry just as long as any other, in the end! Sorry!). I had a sort of mini bingeing episode in the afternoon, so I wasn’t very hungry in the evening. My husband cooked goat’s cheese-filled pasta parcels and when he served me, I said ‘Just a few, thanks’. I had never had so little pasta on my plate before! After an initial tiny feeling of fear and discomfort at the prospect of having so little food, I relaxed and told myself: ‘If I’m going to have so little, I’m going to relish every single mouthful, every bite, every juicy bit’. Yep, it make me slow right down! And you know what? There was still too much food on my plate!! I had had enough by bite #4, I think! When I went to bed two and a half hours later, I was hungry again, but I was in bed, teeth brushed and all, so I just read and went to sleep (I don’t like eating after I’ve brushed my teeth, and I think there’s no point in eating just before going to bed, and I find that usually the hunger feeling goes within a few minutes anyway). The next morning, my stomach was GROWLING! Now if that wasn’t hunger! This proves that even after a binge, you should just ‘coast’, go with the flow, and soon enough your body will let you know that it’s hungry again. I also realised one more time that going with the flow is the best policy: go with the binge – it could turn out to be a small one; go with your tiny hunger – it could turn out that you’re even less hungry than you thought you were; go with your MASSIVE hunger the next morning – your body is ready for more food! And listen to it of course: do you want pancakes, cereal, a slice of bread, some fruit? The point is: you never know what your body is going to want after any kind of eating episode. So don’t worry about it, just listen and comply!
When I first learned about IE, I didn't know I could have this huge range of hunger sensations in me. Simply because I had never let myself be truly hungry. Now that I do, here are a few types of hunger that might assail me when I need to refuel my body:
- a big hole in my stomach
- distinct stomach growling
- trembling/shaking hands and arms, wobbly legs
- feeling faint
- headache
- irritability
The interesting thing I've noticed is that it varies from day to day, and even from hunger experience to hunger experience. It is practically never the same hunger that I feel on a daily basis! This is completely new for me, and it does feel good to know that my body lets me know in no uncertain terms that it needs food! The types of hunger that I've listed are rarely combined together. It's usually just one of these symptoms at a time.
My favourite hunger sensation? Feeling great (no headache, no irritability, no shaking) but with a GROWLING stomach! The one I hate the most: shaking hands and arms/wobbly legs, because in those cases I really have to eat asap. With a growling stomach, there is no sense of urgency, I just know I'm hungry, and as long as I get food within the hour, I'm fine. But with shaking or feeling faint, then food is needed urgently, otherwise I can't carry on functioning!
What are your favourite symptoms of hunger? Learn to love and cherish your hunger signals. Learn to not be scared of them any more.
PS: Here’s a little story of what happened to me last week (making this entry just as long as any other, in the end! Sorry!). I had a sort of mini bingeing episode in the afternoon, so I wasn’t very hungry in the evening. My husband cooked goat’s cheese-filled pasta parcels and when he served me, I said ‘Just a few, thanks’. I had never had so little pasta on my plate before! After an initial tiny feeling of fear and discomfort at the prospect of having so little food, I relaxed and told myself: ‘If I’m going to have so little, I’m going to relish every single mouthful, every bite, every juicy bit’. Yep, it make me slow right down! And you know what? There was still too much food on my plate!! I had had enough by bite #4, I think! When I went to bed two and a half hours later, I was hungry again, but I was in bed, teeth brushed and all, so I just read and went to sleep (I don’t like eating after I’ve brushed my teeth, and I think there’s no point in eating just before going to bed, and I find that usually the hunger feeling goes within a few minutes anyway). The next morning, my stomach was GROWLING! Now if that wasn’t hunger! This proves that even after a binge, you should just ‘coast’, go with the flow, and soon enough your body will let you know that it’s hungry again. I also realised one more time that going with the flow is the best policy: go with the binge – it could turn out to be a small one; go with your tiny hunger – it could turn out that you’re even less hungry than you thought you were; go with your MASSIVE hunger the next morning – your body is ready for more food! And listen to it of course: do you want pancakes, cereal, a slice of bread, some fruit? The point is: you never know what your body is going to want after any kind of eating episode. So don’t worry about it, just listen and comply!
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
An interesting experiment – and T for ‘Trust your body’
Now then, who did I fool with my last entry? I hope nobody! If you have been fooled however, then perhaps it means that you are/were not convinced that IE is the ONLY way, just like I was not.
However, now, believe you me, I am ABSOLUTELY convinced that it is! It takes experiments like these to get to this point, but I’m all for them if they help us realise such important things in life.
First of all, I was intrigued that I had actually managed to lose a bit more weight, just before starting my ‘WW points-cum-IE experiment’. I thought about it quite often during my ‘little experiment’ and of course, it made me realise that of course, IE does work, since even before counting my points I had lost a bit of weight, something that hadn’t happened for literally months.
Second, after a few days of doing ‘WW points-cum-IE’, I realised that actually, when I manage not to think about points (but still count them) and do IE properly and normally, and I’m fine physically and mentally, oh surprise: I eat about 20-25 points, or sometimes less. And when I feel a bit down, or just ‘what is this feeling?-I don’t know but I feel like eating’, whether I’m ‘counting my points’ (aka ‘I’m on a diet’) or whether I’m doing IE, I still eat however much I need (which can be up to 50 points, I guess!).
Major conclusion: There is no point in doing WW or counting points or doing ‘WW points-cum-IE’; it doesn’t make any difference whatsoever. (Of course, the difference with ‘the old days’ is that ‘in the old WW days’ I would prevent myself from eating even if I felt like it or even if I was hungry, whereas this time around, I’m completely unable to do that, so I would just eat as if I was just doing IE, going with the flow and just trying to be a bit objective and detached about what was happening [as an observer would be].)
Interesting, don’t you think? This means I’ve gone a loooonnnnng way and I’m an IE person, for better or for worse. Personally, I think it’s totally ‘for better’!
I have now stopped counting my points and am back to ‘the IE way’, with renewed confidence and happiness.
The best thing is: I completely trust my body. I can feel that we’re ONE now. It’s a weird feeling, but it’s a wonderful feeling too. I can trust it, I can say ‘Up to you, buddy, you’re in charge, I’ll just follow your orders, because I now know for sure that you know best’, and so I don’t have to think about food or my intake or exercise or anything. I can just get on with my life. I know that, just like my body lets me know when it’s thirsty or needs a wee, it will let me know when it needs refuelling, and it will tell me exactly what it needs, based on what it needs physiologically but also based on what will most probably satisfy my taste buds and my mind, i.e. what it needs psychologically. (Geneen Roth explains so well that satisfaction is both physical and mental. It’s so true! It’s thanks to her that I managed to completely ignore the points system and go back to IE so easily.)
The low point (ah! point! what a pun!) of my experiment was when I went to a very good friend’s wedding on Saturday 1 September. She was stunning, her dress was just gorgeous and fitted and suited her sooooo well. The point (again?!) is, as far as this blog entry is concerned, that she has lost 8 kg for her wedding, doing WW. So of course, I was even more tempted to carry on counting my points and do what she’d done. I regretted bitterly not having made that choice for my own wedding and resented myself for it all day on the Sunday. ‘I’m so stupid, what didn’t I lose weight like her? Worse: why did I put on 5 kg 2 months before my wedding?!’
But then on Monday, I had realised, for the second time this year (the first time being in January) how futile this all was, and especially how counter-productive. So I admitted that I was feeling a bit jealous, but mostly that I was attributing great things to ‘being thin’ which were not necessarily true. I reminded myself that being slim is not the be all and end all, and that I really must forget about it completely and get on with my life, trust my body and see where we would end up, the two of us, without deciding in advance. I decided that just being satisfied would do me – and being satisfied on all levels. It would be such an achievement, after so many years of being unsatisfied...
However, now, believe you me, I am ABSOLUTELY convinced that it is! It takes experiments like these to get to this point, but I’m all for them if they help us realise such important things in life.
First of all, I was intrigued that I had actually managed to lose a bit more weight, just before starting my ‘WW points-cum-IE experiment’. I thought about it quite often during my ‘little experiment’ and of course, it made me realise that of course, IE does work, since even before counting my points I had lost a bit of weight, something that hadn’t happened for literally months.
Second, after a few days of doing ‘WW points-cum-IE’, I realised that actually, when I manage not to think about points (but still count them) and do IE properly and normally, and I’m fine physically and mentally, oh surprise: I eat about 20-25 points, or sometimes less. And when I feel a bit down, or just ‘what is this feeling?-I don’t know but I feel like eating’, whether I’m ‘counting my points’ (aka ‘I’m on a diet’) or whether I’m doing IE, I still eat however much I need (which can be up to 50 points, I guess!).
Major conclusion: There is no point in doing WW or counting points or doing ‘WW points-cum-IE’; it doesn’t make any difference whatsoever. (Of course, the difference with ‘the old days’ is that ‘in the old WW days’ I would prevent myself from eating even if I felt like it or even if I was hungry, whereas this time around, I’m completely unable to do that, so I would just eat as if I was just doing IE, going with the flow and just trying to be a bit objective and detached about what was happening [as an observer would be].)
Interesting, don’t you think? This means I’ve gone a loooonnnnng way and I’m an IE person, for better or for worse. Personally, I think it’s totally ‘for better’!
I have now stopped counting my points and am back to ‘the IE way’, with renewed confidence and happiness.
The best thing is: I completely trust my body. I can feel that we’re ONE now. It’s a weird feeling, but it’s a wonderful feeling too. I can trust it, I can say ‘Up to you, buddy, you’re in charge, I’ll just follow your orders, because I now know for sure that you know best’, and so I don’t have to think about food or my intake or exercise or anything. I can just get on with my life. I know that, just like my body lets me know when it’s thirsty or needs a wee, it will let me know when it needs refuelling, and it will tell me exactly what it needs, based on what it needs physiologically but also based on what will most probably satisfy my taste buds and my mind, i.e. what it needs psychologically. (Geneen Roth explains so well that satisfaction is both physical and mental. It’s so true! It’s thanks to her that I managed to completely ignore the points system and go back to IE so easily.)
The low point (ah! point! what a pun!) of my experiment was when I went to a very good friend’s wedding on Saturday 1 September. She was stunning, her dress was just gorgeous and fitted and suited her sooooo well. The point (again?!) is, as far as this blog entry is concerned, that she has lost 8 kg for her wedding, doing WW. So of course, I was even more tempted to carry on counting my points and do what she’d done. I regretted bitterly not having made that choice for my own wedding and resented myself for it all day on the Sunday. ‘I’m so stupid, what didn’t I lose weight like her? Worse: why did I put on 5 kg 2 months before my wedding?!’
But then on Monday, I had realised, for the second time this year (the first time being in January) how futile this all was, and especially how counter-productive. So I admitted that I was feeling a bit jealous, but mostly that I was attributing great things to ‘being thin’ which were not necessarily true. I reminded myself that being slim is not the be all and end all, and that I really must forget about it completely and get on with my life, trust my body and see where we would end up, the two of us, without deciding in advance. I decided that just being satisfied would do me – and being satisfied on all levels. It would be such an achievement, after so many years of being unsatisfied...
Monday, 20 August 2007
R for 'responsibility' – and womanhood
I was wondering when the Big Day would be – the one that I would realise I was now a Woman. I think it happened on Saturday. I went to a shopping centre to buy some clothes for the weddings I’ve been invited to next month and, it’s a first, I found nearly straight away things that I liked and that fitted me! And when I looked in the mirror, I told myself: ‘My God, I look like a woman!’
Thirty seconds later, my husband came in the changing rooms and said ‘Wow! You look like a woman! It’s really nice!’
I was shocked.
If we had both come to the same conclusion, then surely, it meant that it really was true: I had ‘suddenly’ become a woman! Scary thought, but at the same time, a welcome realisation.
On a slightly different subject, these clothes I tried on, they were all the same size: 14! I hadn’t tried on a size 14 item of clothing that fitted me for a looonnnnng time! It sure felt good, and I decided there and then that the little experiment I had started on Tuesday 14 August, just a few days before, was definitely worth pursuing, because this is how I wanted to be and this is how I wanted to feel – every day.
Yes, last Tuesday, I had a ‘a-ah moment’, as Oprah would say. I woke up and it was really like something had changed within me and so things would change on the outside as well. I just had had enough of not taking care of me, of not looking after me in the right way. I had had enough of not leading the life that I want to lead: one where I am not stressed, one where there is no tension in my back or shoulders, one where pretty much every day is easy, where I’m relaxed and happy with everything that I do, even if it’s the washing-up or the shopping. But most of all, the life that I want is a life where I am a responsible woman, one who is an adult and who looks after herself accordingly, as any normal responsible adult does. This is something I haven’t done properly, ever. Now, I think I’ve reached that point of no return: I’m an adult, I’m a woman, and therefore I will look after myself properly.
This implies looking after myself food-wise as well, of course. Well, mainly, that’s what this a-ah moment was all about: ‘I’m going to be responsible and therefore eat just what I need, no more, no less.’
And so ladies, that’s when I started counting points, the good old Weight Watchers way! Gasp! This was not a diet, no no. I must say, the next day, I wasn’t entirely convinced, and I just wanted to stop thinking about points and what I would eat next, and so I thought ‘Sod that, of course this isn’t going to work, you know you can’t do diets!’ But the day after that, I was all relaxed again, like I normally am when I do IE (I don’t think about food, I just wait for hunger to call and tell me ‘Time to eat!’) And somehow, it was all natural to count my points and to stop when I had reached what I believed to be a comfortable number of points. Roughly 6-7 in the morning, about 8 for lunch and 6-7 for dinner, with snacks no more than 2.
It’s just that this way, you see, I can’t fool myself any more. With IE, it’s so easy to eat more (in terms of calories as well as in terms of quantity) than you think you are or than you is actually respectable/reasonable, because you’re not supposed to have any restrictions whatsoever, you’re supposed to ‘go for it’ until you’re full. But so often, you go beyond your fullness. And I realised that if after all this time I still don’t know what an appropriate portion is for me, then I can try to see what WW recommend (I vaguely remembered, for having followed the WW programme in 1999, and then again, but on my own, in 2003) and base my meals on this. And so far, it’s working!
Of course, I still apply all the IE principles – eat what I want, when I want it, eat consciously and slowly, stop when I’m full (surprisingly, sometimes I get full even before I finish my plate, despite not having eaten all ‘my points’!). It’s just that when I’m tempted to eat more, just for the sake of it, I am strongly reminded that, well, ‘it all counts’ (whereas when I do just IE, it’s so easy to think ‘One more won’t hurt’, and therefore ‘Three more won’t hurt’ and so on!). And so if I really want to feel better and look after myself properly and not have knees that hurt and not have big arms that hurt when I sleep on my side at night and fit into nice clothes (among many other reasons), then it’s better if I stop being tempted and get on with my life. Because I know, for sure now, that this temptation is nothing more than habit – the-size-of-my-stomach habit, and also the finger-to-mouth habit (and of course, the old ‘I’ll show you’ habit, as a rebellion against my parents or society).
However, the day I’ll need to binge, I will not hold back. As with IE, I’ll try to find out why; and if, as with IE, I can’t find the answer or I can’t be bothered to look for it long enough, well, I’ll have my binge and, just like with IE, I will not feel guilty. And the next day, I’ll just start afresh.
Ladies, I have, somehow, found a way of combining IE with WW!!! All I had to do was, the first two days, tell myself that I was doing this for me and that it was just a way of helping me think a bit more about the quantities that I eat. Just a way of being more focused, of paying even more attention, and for longer. Just a way of preparing smaller portions. Indeed, I know that the quantities I normally put on my plate are too big, and that then I find it hard to stop. I also find it hard, during ‘IE only’ times, to prepare little and to put little on my plate, because I feel like I am only ‘pretending’ and know full well that there is a high chance I will go back for more anyway, so what’s the point, I might as well put the full portion on the plate, even if that means I stop before I finish it all. And of course, more often than not, I eat it all.
Now the difference is this: I prepare what I know is enough – intellectually, but also thanks to more than 10 years of learning how to eat (I am now absolutely convinced that we don’t need a lot of food to survive, indeed to live well, and I am utterly convinced that I am the same as everyone else, therefore I don’t need much food!) – and by the end of it, I normally feel that I’m comfortably full and I know that I don’t need any more: I feel fine, I’ve eaten plenty (of course, I wouldn’t lower my ‘points allowance’ to less than 25 – that would really be a diet, and I really believe that 20 points, for example, are just not enough, and if it’s not enough, you rebel even before you get hungry and eat all the ice cream in the freezer and the chocolate bars in the cupboard) and I’ve still eaten what I felt like eating.
Ladies, I am my own guru, I’m doing a little experiment, and so far, so very good! I’m amazed, myself!
I know this may sound like anti-IE, but I thought I would write about it anyway. Who knows, it might inspire someone out there.
Thirty seconds later, my husband came in the changing rooms and said ‘Wow! You look like a woman! It’s really nice!’
I was shocked.
If we had both come to the same conclusion, then surely, it meant that it really was true: I had ‘suddenly’ become a woman! Scary thought, but at the same time, a welcome realisation.
On a slightly different subject, these clothes I tried on, they were all the same size: 14! I hadn’t tried on a size 14 item of clothing that fitted me for a looonnnnng time! It sure felt good, and I decided there and then that the little experiment I had started on Tuesday 14 August, just a few days before, was definitely worth pursuing, because this is how I wanted to be and this is how I wanted to feel – every day.
Yes, last Tuesday, I had a ‘a-ah moment’, as Oprah would say. I woke up and it was really like something had changed within me and so things would change on the outside as well. I just had had enough of not taking care of me, of not looking after me in the right way. I had had enough of not leading the life that I want to lead: one where I am not stressed, one where there is no tension in my back or shoulders, one where pretty much every day is easy, where I’m relaxed and happy with everything that I do, even if it’s the washing-up or the shopping. But most of all, the life that I want is a life where I am a responsible woman, one who is an adult and who looks after herself accordingly, as any normal responsible adult does. This is something I haven’t done properly, ever. Now, I think I’ve reached that point of no return: I’m an adult, I’m a woman, and therefore I will look after myself properly.
This implies looking after myself food-wise as well, of course. Well, mainly, that’s what this a-ah moment was all about: ‘I’m going to be responsible and therefore eat just what I need, no more, no less.’
And so ladies, that’s when I started counting points, the good old Weight Watchers way! Gasp! This was not a diet, no no. I must say, the next day, I wasn’t entirely convinced, and I just wanted to stop thinking about points and what I would eat next, and so I thought ‘Sod that, of course this isn’t going to work, you know you can’t do diets!’ But the day after that, I was all relaxed again, like I normally am when I do IE (I don’t think about food, I just wait for hunger to call and tell me ‘Time to eat!’) And somehow, it was all natural to count my points and to stop when I had reached what I believed to be a comfortable number of points. Roughly 6-7 in the morning, about 8 for lunch and 6-7 for dinner, with snacks no more than 2.
It’s just that this way, you see, I can’t fool myself any more. With IE, it’s so easy to eat more (in terms of calories as well as in terms of quantity) than you think you are or than you is actually respectable/reasonable, because you’re not supposed to have any restrictions whatsoever, you’re supposed to ‘go for it’ until you’re full. But so often, you go beyond your fullness. And I realised that if after all this time I still don’t know what an appropriate portion is for me, then I can try to see what WW recommend (I vaguely remembered, for having followed the WW programme in 1999, and then again, but on my own, in 2003) and base my meals on this. And so far, it’s working!
Of course, I still apply all the IE principles – eat what I want, when I want it, eat consciously and slowly, stop when I’m full (surprisingly, sometimes I get full even before I finish my plate, despite not having eaten all ‘my points’!). It’s just that when I’m tempted to eat more, just for the sake of it, I am strongly reminded that, well, ‘it all counts’ (whereas when I do just IE, it’s so easy to think ‘One more won’t hurt’, and therefore ‘Three more won’t hurt’ and so on!). And so if I really want to feel better and look after myself properly and not have knees that hurt and not have big arms that hurt when I sleep on my side at night and fit into nice clothes (among many other reasons), then it’s better if I stop being tempted and get on with my life. Because I know, for sure now, that this temptation is nothing more than habit – the-size-of-my-stomach habit, and also the finger-to-mouth habit (and of course, the old ‘I’ll show you’ habit, as a rebellion against my parents or society).
However, the day I’ll need to binge, I will not hold back. As with IE, I’ll try to find out why; and if, as with IE, I can’t find the answer or I can’t be bothered to look for it long enough, well, I’ll have my binge and, just like with IE, I will not feel guilty. And the next day, I’ll just start afresh.
Ladies, I have, somehow, found a way of combining IE with WW!!! All I had to do was, the first two days, tell myself that I was doing this for me and that it was just a way of helping me think a bit more about the quantities that I eat. Just a way of being more focused, of paying even more attention, and for longer. Just a way of preparing smaller portions. Indeed, I know that the quantities I normally put on my plate are too big, and that then I find it hard to stop. I also find it hard, during ‘IE only’ times, to prepare little and to put little on my plate, because I feel like I am only ‘pretending’ and know full well that there is a high chance I will go back for more anyway, so what’s the point, I might as well put the full portion on the plate, even if that means I stop before I finish it all. And of course, more often than not, I eat it all.
Now the difference is this: I prepare what I know is enough – intellectually, but also thanks to more than 10 years of learning how to eat (I am now absolutely convinced that we don’t need a lot of food to survive, indeed to live well, and I am utterly convinced that I am the same as everyone else, therefore I don’t need much food!) – and by the end of it, I normally feel that I’m comfortably full and I know that I don’t need any more: I feel fine, I’ve eaten plenty (of course, I wouldn’t lower my ‘points allowance’ to less than 25 – that would really be a diet, and I really believe that 20 points, for example, are just not enough, and if it’s not enough, you rebel even before you get hungry and eat all the ice cream in the freezer and the chocolate bars in the cupboard) and I’ve still eaten what I felt like eating.
Ladies, I am my own guru, I’m doing a little experiment, and so far, so very good! I’m amazed, myself!
I know this may sound like anti-IE, but I thought I would write about it anyway. Who knows, it might inspire someone out there.
Wednesday, 1 August 2007
Losing faith
I’m not sure why there are so many ups and downs at the moment, but hey ho, I have to ride along and see where it takes me. For the past few days, I have been losing faith in IE and have been wanting to lose weight more than anything.
Why? Because until the age of 18, I was slim – 56kg for 5 ft 4/1m64. Not thin; just normal, nice, slim. Then it all went wrong and I haven't stopped putting on weight since.
Why? Because I hurt my knee a few weeks ago and I’m sure it would heal a lot more quickly if I weighed less.
Why? Because soon my husband and I would quite like to have a baby and if I put even more weight on, it will not be good, either for me or for the baby.
Why? Because I want to be pretty, slim and energetic for my husband, but of course also and primarily for myself.
Why? Because I’ve had enough of not treating myself well enough.
I’ve been doing a lot better in the past couple of years, I have moved on in many areas of my life and I understand things much better. Yet, still, my weight is there, witness to all my other, deeper problems, testimony to the silt that has been moved about and scrutinised, at the expense of weight loss.
The other day, I was going through my photo albums and saw myself at 18, 19, even 25 – I was slimmer. At the time, I thought I was big and ugly and my sole preoccupation was my weight and losing the fat. Yet, I was already quite slim! Even when I put on 6kg, I was still slim!
Now here’s the problem. Time. Things are better, but they take sooooo long!!! What do I need to do to make things go faster? I’m losing patience, which makes me lose faith in the whole system. I know that I'm meant to be slim, that I can go back to being slim. The question is: how exactly? I just want to diet to get that body back. But deep down, I know that this will only lead to more weight gain – won't it?
So I'm sticking to IE, no matter how slow the weight loss, no matter how slow the progress. At least it's (more or less?) certain, more or less for ever – isn't it?
Why? Because until the age of 18, I was slim – 56kg for 5 ft 4/1m64. Not thin; just normal, nice, slim. Then it all went wrong and I haven't stopped putting on weight since.
Why? Because I hurt my knee a few weeks ago and I’m sure it would heal a lot more quickly if I weighed less.
Why? Because soon my husband and I would quite like to have a baby and if I put even more weight on, it will not be good, either for me or for the baby.
Why? Because I want to be pretty, slim and energetic for my husband, but of course also and primarily for myself.
Why? Because I’ve had enough of not treating myself well enough.
I’ve been doing a lot better in the past couple of years, I have moved on in many areas of my life and I understand things much better. Yet, still, my weight is there, witness to all my other, deeper problems, testimony to the silt that has been moved about and scrutinised, at the expense of weight loss.
The other day, I was going through my photo albums and saw myself at 18, 19, even 25 – I was slimmer. At the time, I thought I was big and ugly and my sole preoccupation was my weight and losing the fat. Yet, I was already quite slim! Even when I put on 6kg, I was still slim!
Now here’s the problem. Time. Things are better, but they take sooooo long!!! What do I need to do to make things go faster? I’m losing patience, which makes me lose faith in the whole system. I know that I'm meant to be slim, that I can go back to being slim. The question is: how exactly? I just want to diet to get that body back. But deep down, I know that this will only lead to more weight gain – won't it?
So I'm sticking to IE, no matter how slow the weight loss, no matter how slow the progress. At least it's (more or less?) certain, more or less for ever – isn't it?
Tuesday, 24 July 2007
P for ‘(slow) progress’ – and no more chocolate?
I have realised lately that I don’t like my dark, 70% Lindt chocolate any more. I’ve tried a couple of other brands, but again noticed that, decidedly, it’s just not nice. Either it’s not sweet enough, or it’s just the chocolate – I’m not sure. In any case, I thought I would eat my last few squares (couldn’t quite deal with the ‘waste’ issue in that instance, I’m sorry to say...) and not replenish my supplies and see what would happen. Luckily, it coincided with my time away. When I’m away, I never even think of chocolate, let alone eat it. Whereas when I’m at home, I always eat a square with my breakfast (because 1) It’s good for you and 2) I enjoy it).
So anyway, I finished my last square, I went away, I didn’t miss it, and yesterday morning I tried my first breakfast at home without chocolate. In fact, I didn’t even think about it until later – ‘Hey! By the way! I’ve eaten my cereals... without chocolate!’ I didn’t feel deprived (as I thought/dreaded I might be – perhaps it would send me straight to the corner shop for a few bars!), I didn’t miss it, and I promptly forgot about it all.
Ditto this morning.
You know what? I’m on to something here! Yes, because the same happened with biscuits. Slowly slowly, I reduced my intake: just two at a time, several times a day; just two at a time, only with my yoghurt at lunch time and after dinner; just two a time any time I wanted them; just one at a time with my yoghurt etc., down to mostly no biscuits – EVER! I haven’t had a biscuit for ages! Unbelievable! This time last year (well, in fact, in April 2006), I was wolfing them down, 10 at a time!
So if this happened to me, surely it can happen to anybody. My closest friends can testify.
What progress have you made?
So anyway, I finished my last square, I went away, I didn’t miss it, and yesterday morning I tried my first breakfast at home without chocolate. In fact, I didn’t even think about it until later – ‘Hey! By the way! I’ve eaten my cereals... without chocolate!’ I didn’t feel deprived (as I thought/dreaded I might be – perhaps it would send me straight to the corner shop for a few bars!), I didn’t miss it, and I promptly forgot about it all.
Ditto this morning.
You know what? I’m on to something here! Yes, because the same happened with biscuits. Slowly slowly, I reduced my intake: just two at a time, several times a day; just two at a time, only with my yoghurt at lunch time and after dinner; just two a time any time I wanted them; just one at a time with my yoghurt etc., down to mostly no biscuits – EVER! I haven’t had a biscuit for ages! Unbelievable! This time last year (well, in fact, in April 2006), I was wolfing them down, 10 at a time!
So if this happened to me, surely it can happen to anybody. My closest friends can testify.
What progress have you made?
T for ‘trying’ – and my greatest achievement
I apologise for the silence on this blog. I’m not too sure what happened. I guess it’s a combination of ‘everything’s going well, not much to write about’, ‘no time to write’ and also going away for a few days.
The good news is: I’m definitely back on track and things are easy at the moment. I just hope it will last. Last time things were going so well, it lasted three months (from January to March), my record! Maybe this time it will last four months? Who knows...
I’ve even lost a few more hundred grammes – 700. I’ve checked and that’s the weight I was in March, so it’s not a major achievement in itself. Between March and now, I’ve been oscillating between 76.3kg and 77.3kg. But I know that if I carry on eating like I’ve been eating, the weight will come off, slowly slowly.
But for me, it’s not such a worry any more, it’s not the main issue. I think the fact that I’m staying more or less at the same weight while eating anything I want whenever I want and however much of it I want is an accomplishment in itself. I know that I have to sort out my anxiety eating first, before the weight comes off for good. At the end of March/beginning of April, it all went wrong because I became anxious about a visit from a distant family member and I felt the pressure of having to be perfect at everything: the cooking (especially!) , the ‘taking them out’, the ‘entertaining them’, the way I dressed, the way I talked. It was just awful.
However, amazingly, after that person left, I managed to relax again, and when the next visitor came (at the end of April) I stayed relaxed, very aware of my feelings and my (potentially erratic) eating. This led to my greatest achievement so far: I joined my husband and the visitor (his great-aunt) at the pub but didn’t eat anything.
Nothing at all!
I had eaten breakfast quite late because I had gone for a bike ride first thing that morning, so when we got the pub at quarter past 12, I wasn’t hungry in the slightest. I had been soooo annoyed with myself for letting the previous visitor ruin my eating patterns that I was adamant I wouldn’t let this one do it to me as well. I said I really wasn’t hungry and apologised for not eating with them, but ‘really, I can’t, I’m really not hungry’. And then, when we went for a stroll in a National Trust park and at quarter past 3 I was getting quite hungry, I had a scone when they had a cup of tea at the park’s tea room.
I felt sooo strong after that! It was exhilarating, to be able to do the thing I most dreaded: not eat while others are eating, and vice versa.
I have noticed on this journey that if you’re willing to try something just once, this thing (whatever it may be – for example, stopping as soon as you’ve had enough, or listening to your stomach to find out exactly what you want to eat) becomes easier the next time you do it, and you wonder why you haven’t tried it before.
Try it!
The good news is: I’m definitely back on track and things are easy at the moment. I just hope it will last. Last time things were going so well, it lasted three months (from January to March), my record! Maybe this time it will last four months? Who knows...
I’ve even lost a few more hundred grammes – 700. I’ve checked and that’s the weight I was in March, so it’s not a major achievement in itself. Between March and now, I’ve been oscillating between 76.3kg and 77.3kg. But I know that if I carry on eating like I’ve been eating, the weight will come off, slowly slowly.
But for me, it’s not such a worry any more, it’s not the main issue. I think the fact that I’m staying more or less at the same weight while eating anything I want whenever I want and however much of it I want is an accomplishment in itself. I know that I have to sort out my anxiety eating first, before the weight comes off for good. At the end of March/beginning of April, it all went wrong because I became anxious about a visit from a distant family member and I felt the pressure of having to be perfect at everything: the cooking (especially!) , the ‘taking them out’, the ‘entertaining them’, the way I dressed, the way I talked. It was just awful.
However, amazingly, after that person left, I managed to relax again, and when the next visitor came (at the end of April) I stayed relaxed, very aware of my feelings and my (potentially erratic) eating. This led to my greatest achievement so far: I joined my husband and the visitor (his great-aunt) at the pub but didn’t eat anything.
Nothing at all!
I had eaten breakfast quite late because I had gone for a bike ride first thing that morning, so when we got the pub at quarter past 12, I wasn’t hungry in the slightest. I had been soooo annoyed with myself for letting the previous visitor ruin my eating patterns that I was adamant I wouldn’t let this one do it to me as well. I said I really wasn’t hungry and apologised for not eating with them, but ‘really, I can’t, I’m really not hungry’. And then, when we went for a stroll in a National Trust park and at quarter past 3 I was getting quite hungry, I had a scone when they had a cup of tea at the park’s tea room.
I felt sooo strong after that! It was exhilarating, to be able to do the thing I most dreaded: not eat while others are eating, and vice versa.
I have noticed on this journey that if you’re willing to try something just once, this thing (whatever it may be – for example, stopping as soon as you’ve had enough, or listening to your stomach to find out exactly what you want to eat) becomes easier the next time you do it, and you wonder why you haven’t tried it before.
Try it!
Friday, 6 July 2007
Candle
...And so today, I ate mindfully, and it was a real delight! I even lit up a candle, as advised by Audrey and Sophie in Beyond Chocolate, and I decided that I would light it up for every meal eaten at home, as a reminder to think about what I eat and to pause halfway through the meal to ask myself ‘Am I satisfied yet?’ and to stop eating if I am.It’s a bit painful, after all this time, to have to start from scratch again, but I know, from experience, that it’s only temporary (the pain, that is!). I’m back on track and it will be second nature again before I know it.
Every time, it’s easier to get back on track, and the ‘slipping’ doesn’t last half as long.
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